Someone asked me the other day, ‘Ally, how do you know what’s going on? How is it that you’ve always known?’
When I was 8 my mother committed suicide in the garage of our home in Ottawa. 18 months later my grief-stricken father married a tyrannical woman who got us ship-shape with spit, boot polish and a whole belly full of anger and emotional neglect reminiscent of her own survival.
When my father dropped dead of a heart attack when he was 43, my sister and I received orphan’s benefits as long as we were going to school. I was a broken, well-educated 24 year old looking for love in ALL the wrong places with an even deeper love of alcohol and drugs.
Fast forward another 10 years and I’m the young mother of a vaccine-damaged child in the spectrum and a golf ball-sized tumor in my left breast, married to a Jewish man forbidden to marry me if I didn’t study judaism for 4 years and convert.
Now you know why I became a Heilkunst trauma therapist AND how I know in the soft animal of my belly what’s going on. I’ve lived this pattern before. My whole life (many lifetimes in fact), and 20 some published books (on Amazon) are dedicated to figuring out the trauma/victim and aggressor dynamic. I know what trauma bonding, narcissism and gas lighting feels like first hand.
First my survival depended on recognizing it and then when I made the choice to transcend this old, worn out victim state of mind, I made the deepest commitment possible with myself NEVER to recreate the state of mind that needs a tyrannical bully (or bullies) to wield unethical power over me EVER again. Even if it costs me my life.
I will never go back to being an orphan controlled by money or by those much more damaged than myself. You see I value my freedom and my whole state of mind more than anything. I will not succumb to an all too familiar state of fear and perilous victimization. No way José!
I’ve bought back my freedom and liberty more times than I can count this lifetime and if there is such a thing as evolution, I’m not about to rinse and repeat. I know the profound worth of the work I’ve done for myself, and my children and as a result, I know how I’m meant to be regarded without compromise. I know my own worth right into my very underpinnings, the fibre of my God-bestowed health, the crux of my being whole and human. Can’t touch this is not just a song to me.
So how do I know what’s going on you ask? How can I not?! It’s only the subject of every book ever written (especially my own), every movie ever made. After the gauntlet of fire, the sword pulled from stones and the precious ring retrieved from golems, you get gifted with something profound. It’s called ‘the silent observer.’ You recognize patterns, you hold fast to principles (not gurus, and especially not politicians) and you’re called to retire to a shire with volumes of experiential knowledge packed away in your belly for the next chapter of your life, while also letting go of all manner of things not meant for you.
Where are you on your path to self-knowledge in the face of this fabricated tyranny?!
– Allyson Andrea McQuinn
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